Why This Behaviour is More Common Than You Think

I’ve been asked this question so many times during conversations. I’ll tell you that when your child behaves ‘well’ at school, or for other parents, but does not behave at home, it is a very common, multi-determined pattern rather than a single diagnosis or a parenting problem. There is a large body of evidence in the UK showing that behaviour varies depending on the setting and that adult informants often disagree about their child’s difficulties. This means two things. Firstly, that behaviour varies depending on where the child is.

Children do not behave in the same way everywhere they go. An example is that your child might be calm and collected at school but then return home and become explosive. They could be socially confident with their friends but withdrawn during class. Listen to one parent’s rules and resist the other. Second, the adults who report on the child. This could be parents, teachers, and, at times, clinicians. We know that parents and teachers tend to rate symptoms differently. Additionally, one parent could describe severe issues while another may describe them as mild. This disagreement is not an error or denial, but it can reflect on the following:

·         Genuine context differences (home vs. school)

·         Different thresholds of concern

·         Parent stress levels or expectations

·         Measurement limits in rating scales.

What Research Actually Shows About Parent-Teacher Disagreement

A UK national sample study found low parent-teacher agreement on hyperactivity/inattention and identified parental emotional distress as a factor associated with the discrepancy.

The most supported explanations combine context effects (structure, daily routine, monitoring of the child, consequences they receive) self-regulation and stress load (children utilising high levels of effort to meet the demands of school life, then releasing all  the emotional tension when they get home), reinforcement and interaction cycles (behaviour which is maintained by their attention, inconsistent responses from adults, and escaping from such daily demands), and family stress/mental health (both are capable of shaping both the child’s behaviour and how it is seen and reported within their internal world).

Neurodevelopmental profiles within children are also known to intensify setting differences. For example, information and materials regarding post-diagnostic NHS for autistic children explicitly outline different presentations at home vs school, which includes children who have a tendency to ‘hold’ anxiety throughout the school day, and return home to ‘vent’, highlighting how social and sensory school demands can make school stressful in ways that staff are not able to see.

NHS also highlights that autistic children’s behaviour is linked to sensory sensitivities, difficulty processing environments and anxiety, and that meltdowns at home reflect being overwhelmed rather than deliberate misbehaviour.

For the parents, this evidence consistently supports many factors, including: (a) a structured assessment mindset. (Tracking child behaviour patterns and triggers effectively; able to differentiate ‘tantrum vs overwhelm’, mapping what the behaviour achieves. (B) a predictable routine and consistent boundaries, (C) high rates of specific positive reinforcement, (D) emotional coaching and collaborative de-escalation, and (E) early help seeking when risk remains, or impairment is significant

What the UK studies imply about ‘why here, not there’

Research from a large UK national sample by White Rose Research Online showed that children’s behaviour was rated by both parents and teachers using the SDQ – the Strengths and Difficulties Questionnaire, a commonly used behavioural screening tool in the UK.

The Low parent-teacher agreement (weighted kappa = 0.34)

Let’s briefly explain Kappa (k) a measure of agreement between the raters (Parents and teachers)

A score of 1 means they both agreed, perfect.

A score of 0 means agreement no better than chance.

So, a Kappa score of 0.34 is considered low. Meaning that parents and teachers don’t rate the same child as having the same level of hyperactivity or inattention, they were not aligned. This means:

·         About 10.5% of children were rated at risk for having hyperactivity by parents but not by teachers

·         About 8.79% were rated by teachers but not by parents.

So, what does this mean about ‘why behave at school like this, and at home like this’. Personally, it suggests three things:

1.      Context does genuinely shape children’s behaviour; some children struggle more in high-demand classroom environments. Others struggle more in emotionally intense home environments.

2.      Different adults see the children through different eyes. A teacher compares one child to 30 classmates. A parent compares a child to siblings or expectations. The reference group always differs

3.      Adult well-being influences perception and reporting. Assessment is relational, not purely objective.

From a systems perspective, disagreement is the data. It’s telling us the difficulty is emerging at the intersection of the child’s capacity, the context they are in, and the relationships they have. Once we accept that discrepancy is statistically common, ‘why here, not there? Becomes less of a mystery and more about understanding and mapping the environments in which a child works, rather than questioning credibility.

Parenting Stress and Perception

To expand on this, a peer-reviewed UK university study focused specifically on young autistic children aged 4 to 8.

First, their parents reported a significant difference in emotional and behavioural difficulties compared to the teachers. Second, parent-teacher agreement was low. Meaning that when both adults rated the same child, their scores didn’t align. Again, this is consistent with broader findings in the UK. Behaviour varies depending on the context, and perceptions vary by observer. Third, the stress of parents, along with their well-being, correlated with parent-reported problems. Higher parenting stress was associated with higher reports of difficulties within the child.

Trauma/ Adversity as a driver of context-specific behaviour

Information from the UK government synthesis on babies, children and young people’s mental health has identified adversity and exposure to trauma as a significant risk factor regarding behaviour, describing: strong links between high and prolonged stress and later mental health concerns, the concept that prolonged harmful events in the absence of nurturing relationships have the ability to impact mental health and wellbeing across the course of life, an estimate that child adversity is associated with a large proportion of mental disorders.

In the most practical terms, a child could be compliant in the predictable supervised school context but become dysregulated at home, where certain cues (conflict, sensory overload) trigger threat responses or relational distress.

So, what does this study add to my post?

1.      Behavioural difficulty is not uniformly expressed across settings

2.      Disagreement is expected, not expectational

3.      The emotional state of the parents is part of the system been measured.

How School and Home Contexts Differ

There is much guidance out there explicitly advising schools to create environments where behaviour is shaped by culture, teaching style, staff training, consistent implementation, and predictable responses.

Key contrasts, which are grounded in current Department for Education behaviour guidance:

     Schools are expected to

•    Establish clear behaviour policies that can clearly communicate permitted/prohibited behaviours and routines

•    Train staff to respond to certain types of behaviour consistently and fairly

•    Use proactive support and targeted interventions to prevent certain behaviour traits

•    Respond promptly and predictably when it occurs

• Home environments typically (and understandably) have

•   Less formalised routines (or routines that break down under work stress, siblings, time pressures)

•    Emotionally loaded consequences (parent-child history, guilt, fear, worries about being harsh)

•    Varying adult mental capacity (parent at the end of their bandwidth), creating inconsistency even when parents know ‘what to do’

Ultimately, these contrasts explain why the child is displaying:

-          High Compliance, where certain expectations are simple and externally scaffolded

-          High conflict or collapse, where the environment is emotionally salient, and consequences are negotiable (or where the child has learnt that escalation works)

School is not a neutral environment. It is a high-demand space. NHS guidance on autism has linked behaviour to sensory sensitivity and difficulty processing surroundings. If school environments are the stressor, home will become the discharge point rather than the origin.

Practical Questions You Can Use

Let’s remind ourselves that the goal here is not to play doctor at home and ‘diagnose’, but rather to build a functional formulation that can be shared with school and support workers.

Mapping patterns and triggers

Use a diary, digital on your phone, or a physical pen and paper for around 3-4 weeks (short notes will work):

-          What happened before the behaviour began (time, transition, demand, sibling conflict)

-          What exactly was the behaviour (refusal, shouting, aggression?

What happened after? (Did it stop? Did the child get attention? Did anyone leave the room?)

NHS guidance recommends keeping a diary to identify the meltdown triggers over a few weeks, which will illustrate a generalisable assessment logical framework.

Questions that Clarify Context

Compare their school and home life:

-          What is the child like during transitions (morning routines, after school, bedtime)

-          Does the child cope better when routines are predictable, instructions are clear

-          Are there any ‘hidden demands’ at school: sensory stress, bullying, constant effort to sit still

Questions about parental stress

Reflect (without blaming yourself)

-          When I’m most stressed, do conflicts escalate more quickly

-          Do I end up changing my no into a yes to stop situations

-          Does this behaviour reliably end a demand or gain attention?

NHS guidance warns that changing your mind as a parent after saying no can teach children that tantrums work. NHS child behaviour guidance notes that prior strategies, such as giving treats, can create future expectations.

Practical Evidence-based strategies for parents

Build predictability and consistency first

Information on the NHS guidance highlights that young children need consistency and that varied responses from parents and carers can be confusing *41

Practical Implementation:

-          Choose 3-5 non-negotiable rules (no hitting, bedtime boundaries, respectful language), ensuring that you keep them stable for a week

-          Using clear, concise, concrete instructions (one step at a time)

-          Plan your own script (if you keep shouting, I’ll pause the conversation and return in 2 mins)

Increase positive reinforcement and reduce inadvertent reinforcement

NHS guidance when discussing tantrums and difficult behaviour supports: not giving up on a tantrum, staying calm and present, reinforcing desired behaviours with affection

Implementation:

-          Use labelled praise (thank you for coming the first time I asked)

-          Catch and praise micro success (starting homework, using words)

-          Stop rewarding escalation with long debates (keep corrections short, return when calm)

Emotional Coaching and collaborative problem solving

Additional information from NHS has recommended that parents and children should tackle anger as a team, identifying triggers and early signs, and to practice coping strategies (finding a private space, going for a walk).

Implementation:

-          Name the emotion and validate them without approving the behaviour (“I know your angry, but hitting is not ok’)

-          Co-produce a plan when you’re both feeling calm (signals, having a break space)

-          Rehearse skills at neutral times (role play: what to do when xx happens)

Manage transitions and end of day vulnerability

Even if the school day is going well for your child, the accumulation of the demands needed during the school day can leave less space for emotional regulation when at home. NHS has highlighted: hunger, frustration, and boredom as common drivers of different types of behaviour within young children.

School Home Alignment

There is information on the department of education website that emphasises the role of the parent in reinforcing the school behaviour policy at home and to encourage partnerships and communication around behaviours and interventions.

Implementation: Ask the school to provide you with behaviour expectations, behaviour policies, routines, language and systems used, so you can mirror elements of this at home

-          Share your home patterns that you wrote (triggers, what helps to de-escalate).

-          For neurodivergent children who suffer from sensory stress, ask the school to adjust day to day transitions.

When to seek specialist assessment and who to contact within the UK

There will be times when you have done everything and you need to seek some professional input:

·         When a child’s behaviour becomes aggressive, self-harming, or taking serious risks

·         The child’s anger is harmful to others (consult GP, Health visitor/ school nurse).

·         Difficulties are persistent, causing significant family distress, or disrupting school attendance or learning.

What are the UK services and routes

There are many starting points depending on the age and the local configurator.

-          Health Visitor for younger children

-          GP, which is used for assessments, referrals and advice on specific strategies

-          School Nurse / Pastoral lead, and where present in some schools’ Mental health support team in school. The NHS describes MHSTs as part of the children and young people’s mental health service.

-          Children and young people mental health service (CYPMHS/CAMHS), which is referred to as behavioural and emotional wellbeing support, talking therapies, and coordination with other services.

Then there is community and early help routes: Local family hubs and start for life programmes (this availability varies by your local authority), and is intended to join up services and help families access support as and when required

-          Supporting Families Programme (lead by the local authority) are for families facing multiple interconnected challenges, using a lead practitioner to coordinate a whole family plan.

When a child behaves differently, it is rarely random and almost never a simple matter of 'good' or 'bad' behaviour. It is information. It tells us about capacity, stress, relationships, and environment. The task is not to label the child or blame the parent, but to understand the pattern and respond with structure, clarity, and calm consistency. Once behaviour is viewed as communication shaped by context, the question shifts from 'why are my children acting like this' to 'what is this situation asking of us as a family?". And that shift is where the change begins